“Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” [Stephanie Bennett-Henry]
Some days life is just plain tough, and sometimes those days seem never-ending. You could say I’ve had a lot of those days lately. Days where I wish 12 noon was 12 midnight and I was in bed watching One Tree Hill. I’m not entirely sure how but each day 12 midnight finally comes. I have made it one more freakin day. For what? To play the same damn game the next day? Yep, and I thank God every single day for the chance to keep playing. For having more faith in me than I had in myself to make it to the next 12 midnight. Yes life is tough, but so am I. Someone believed in me and now I am learning to believe in myself.
In the depths of my darkness I have found it very difficult to do this. I have found it very difficult to believe I am tough enough to make it to the next midnight. I have also found it difficult to dig deep and get real with myself. I was scrolling through Instagram earlier and a quote came up on my feed. “Dig deeper, babe. That’s where your honesty lies.” [Hannah Brencher] As one of my closest friends and I would say, “words are hard.” Words are hard and putting my feelings into words is even harder. So naturally I do the easiest thing, I ignore them. I let my feelings build up and allow myself to remain behind the wall of darkness they create. Believe it or not these walls only hold up for so long, and when they fall they fall hard.
Every week for the past four months I have said, “things can only go up from here.” It took three and a half months of being buried deeper and deeper for this statement to finally become true. I have been stripped of every single superhero cape I used to cover myself with [reference from Glennon Doyle Melton’s TEDx talk]. What’s left is raw. What’s left is emotional. What’s left is real. I am now among others in this ‘big bright messy world’ and I could not be more stoked, but it also couldn’t be harder. I have lost my capes of lying, partying, and having it all together. I lost the roommates that kept me sane and the job I loved more than anything else in the world. I felt like I didn’t belong here anymore. I felt like a burden that needed to act like every damn thing was okay even though nothing was.
Some days I still feel like a burden. Yes life is tough, and yes just like you I like to believe I’m tough enough to handle it on my own. Truth is, people need other people. “You are not a burden. You are a unique, brilliant, deeply feeling child of God. You are beloved.” [Glennon Doyle Melton] I am laying in bed after a good shower cry writing this as much [if not more so] for myself as for you. I do believe you’re tough enough to handle life on your own, but you shouldn’t. No one should. All you have to do is be willing to let someone in and maybe even allow them to untie your superhero cape. Allow them to see your whole heart. Dig deeper, babe. Words are hard but you can do this. “Show [them] all the parts of you that you do not know how to love so [they] know where to begin.” [unknown]