“When the lies speak louder than the truth, remind me I belong to you. When I can’t see past the dark of night, remind me that you’re always by my side. We are the sons, we are the daughters of God. No matter where we go we’re close to the father’s heart. And though we stumble, he will not let us fall.” [Sons and Daughters]
To say I have been struggling lately would be an understatement. To be quite honest even just admitting that was a struggle in itself. I’m not one to ask for help and I don’t like admitting that I can’t handle something. I am terrified of being seen as weak, incapable, or broken. My church is partway through a series appropriately entitled “The Struggle is Real” and today our pastor brought up insecurities. Literally, today the message was on insecurities. He compared hiding our insecurities to wearing a mask, but only half a mask [think Phantom of the Opera]. We cover the parts of ourselves that we don’t want other people to see. We cover our insecurities with masks, pretending to be someone else and acting like it works.
I have enough masks to fill a Spirit Halloween store floor to ceiling. If you couldn’t tell, that was the pretty way for me to admit that I am ridiculously insecure. I use a thesaurus when I write because I am afraid of what you would think if I don’t use big fancy words. I spend way too much time trying on outfits in the morning because I am afraid of being judged for my appearance. I joke around because I am afraid how people will react if they see how much I hurt inside. I always act like I have it all together because I am afraid of what would happen if anyone knew how messy and broken I really am.
Long story short I have a lot of masks to hide my many insecurities. These masks attempt to keep me hidden from the world’s opinions of me. Some days, most days actually, the lies speak louder than the truths. You’re not smart enough. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not good enough. You’re not worth it. Yep, I went there. It hurts and it’s messy. All I can ask is that when my head is full of these lies that our God will remind me of whom I belong to. That in the darkest night He is always by my side.
In Psalm 51 King David calls out to the Lord. He asks the Lord to have mercy on him, to cleanse him of his sins. David knew what he did was wrong, he knew that sleeping with a married woman was not right. He knew he shouldn’t be attempting to trick her husband and ultimately sending him to his death. After all of this, he asks the Lord to create in him a pure heart, to restore his joy and to sustain him. My cry out to the Lord is not that dissimilar from David’s. I may not have slept with anyone’s significant other, but I have done things that I know to be wrong. I desire to be sustained and filled with joy by Him and Him alone. Lord, cleanse me of my sins and create in me a pure heart, a heart fully surrendered to you.
It’s scary, scary that over the years I have created so many masks that I no longer know who I was initially created to be. Of all the lies in my head and all the masks I wear, I do know one thing to be true. I am a daughter of the Lord and will always be close to His heart.
For now, that is all I know.
For now, that is all I need.