“Wearing a mask wears you out, faking it is fatiguing, the most exhausting activity is pretending to be what you know you aren’t.” [Rick Warren]
Nine months ago I began writing, writing with the intentions to share my stories in hope of speaking truth into others’ lives. Three months ago I was told I had a gift, the gift of writing. I grabbed onto those words and took off running. I became more concerned about what words I was using than what my words were actually saying. I desired to appear as though each time I wrote about something I had life all figured out. I covered my confusion and doubt with fancy words and Bible verses. I had on a mask that said “I’ve got my life under control” and was attempting to use it. Today I’m making a choice, a choice to take off that mask. A choice to say I don’t have it all figured out and my life is definitely not under my control. This is not by any means saying that my life is out of control simply that my life is in His control. So here goes my mask.
I’m human. I stumble, I fall, I screw up, I hurt people, I have bad days, and I’m stubborn as all hell.
I’m human. I am treasured, I am forgiven, I am restored, I am worthy of love, I am beloved.
Just over a month ago I made a huge decision. I made the decision to commit to a year of singleness. Not because getting a date is hard, not because I don’t have time, and not because of what my brother thinks “because guys are douchebags”. I made this decision because I was struggling. Struggling with figuring out who I was and how I could possibly love or even like that person. I had wrapped my identity up in perfectly straight hair, the people I surrounded myself with, and anyone’s [especially guys] opinion of me. I hadn’t just placed my identity in these things, I left my worth in them as well. As you’ve probably already figured out, that didn’t exactly go so well. I was insecure, unhappy, and always striving to be something more.
This summer I decided to throw that all away. I wanted my worth back. I was exhausted pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I am learning to embrace my curly hair, I am learning that make up does not make me a better person, and I am learning others opinions of me are not often truth. I am learning how to have brotherly relations with guys, appreciating them as individuals and who God created them to be. I am learning that I am worthy because I am His and my full identity is in Him.
In just one month I feel a difference. I am confident leaving home [my dorm room] with my naturally curly hair because I see it as beautiful. I am getting comfortable having others see me without make up on. I have more amazing guys in my life than I ever have had. I have made progress and this year is not nearly over, it has only just begun.
This hasn’t been easy. I would be lying if I said I haven’t had a bad day recently. I would be lying if I said I love what I see in the mirror every day. I would be lying if I said I haven’t debated giving this whole thing up. I would be lying if I said this want worth it. I would be lying if I said I’m not worth it.
Whatever might be hiding beneath your mask, promise me one thing. Know that you are worth infinitely more than that mask.